Donnerstag, 8. Oktober 2015

Letter to my virtual friend Giorgio

dearest virtual friend, 

don´t know, if you really want to read from me, 
fed up as you are.
anyway i write. 
maybe therapeutic writing too, who knows. 

i read also your sharing at IML..
thank you for sharing that with me.

don´t know what to say.
life is nothing to be understood, 
but yet, understanding will arise sometimes.
seems like that.
i don´t know even that. 
i know nothing.
all i can say is:
i exist.
all else is a story.
we are all broken.
we all have our traumas. 
more or less. 

panic-attacks - i had lots of them. 
no fun. felt like dying and going to hell forever. 
the only way out was THROUGH.
to be with it, 
watch and see, that there is actually NOTHING. 
maybe mind fears that "nothingness" so much, 
that it produces panic-attacks. 
mind doesn´t want to be NOTHING.
but maybe that is just another theory.
an explanation for something that cannot be explained. 

and yes friend, i´m ARROGANT sometimes.
and i´m a pretender. 
a cheater, 
a lier, 
a sinner and a saint...
i am all and nothing.
we all are all and nothing.
we are arrogant motherfuckers and 
lovers and haters, enemies and friends... 
we are cruel and innocent at the same time. 
everything we see in the "other" person, no matter what, 
we have that attribute too, otherwise we couldn´t see it in the other person. 

okay... maybe that was another theory...
i collected a lot of them during my lifetime. ;-)

but who or what really lives this life?
is there really a "you" that is in control of "your" thoughts and feelings? 
and would this "you" ever have an unhappy thought or feeling if there was a "you" that has the control?
so who is under control?
who thinks?
and who is it, that is aware of the thoughts?

sorry friend, i hope it doesn´t sound too confusing!

YES friend, maybe you need help.
we all do.
no shame to ask for it. 
i´m not an therapist. 

maybe it would help
to seriously ask yourself during the day:
1. how do i FEEL?
2. what do i NEED now? (really need!)
3. what can i do, to get it?

okay, maybe that´s bullshit, 
but for me it is good sometimes just not to forget to take care of myself.
if no-one does 
have to to it.

and don´t feel terrified if strange thoughts arise after you question yourself, what you really NEED.
maybe the answer is: "i NEED to kill my mother..."
if you can totally allow that thought, you don´t have to kill her in reality. 
(by the way: i know you LOVE your mother.)

oh friend, maybe that sounds annoying and boring and insane and like bullshit... for you. 
but that´s what is coming up here.

this life is not personal.
but we take it personal. 
even the weather.
yesterday i went home with my bike and it started to rain. 
heavy rain and i had to ride for about another 30 minutes.
okay i had a waterproof jacket but my trousers were soaked!  
and while i was riding home i could 
watch the thoughts that came up 
and i could see, that we tend to take EVERYTHING PERSONAL. 
even the weather.
"the rain is my enemy and it´s against me."
well, but after all it´s just rain and it´s there for everyone 
not only for ME! ;-)))
isn´t it strange, that we take everything personal?
and so we are suffering all the time.
i know that doesn´t help you, friend.
but i didn´t promise you to help you.
no promise, you know!
all i can do is to share what arises here. 
in this moment.
nothing else.
bye for now! 

take care gorgeous! 


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